One of the hardest parts of being a leader is making hard decisions. Mostly because hard decisions rarely involve things–they involve people. And, when it comes to making decisions about people, leaders are often torn mentally and emotionally as they try to play forward every outcome.
A friend of mine and I were recently discussing a hard decision she had to make in regards to someone she cared about. She knew the decision to confront the person was both right and necessary, but she also knew the repercussions could be detrimental to their relationship. When I asked her whether or not she was going to move forward, she said, “Honestly, I don’t have a choice if I am going to remain true to who I am and what I value. Plus, carrying the weight of this decision is too much for me to bear. If I make the hard decision and do what needs to be done, then I shift the weight off of my back and on to theirs, where the responsibility really belongs.”
A few days later, we reconnected. Surprisingly, she seemed more at peace than before. When I asked her what happened she said, “I made the hard decision to confront the person. Granted, it took a lot of courage on my part, but when the conversation was over, I realized that the emotional agony I put myself through just trying to decide whether or not to address the situation in the first place caused me more grief than the conversation itself.”
Sometimes, making the decision to make a hard decision is the worst part of the decision making process.
Why do we resist making hard decisions (usually ones that lead to ending something such as a behavior, a relationship, etc.)?
In his book Necessary Endings: The employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up In Order to Move Forward, Dr. Henry Cloud, summarizes why leaders struggle with making hard decisions:
Something in the leader’s personal make up gets in their way…Somewhere along the line, we have not been equipped with the discernment, courage, and skills need to initiate, follow through and complete these necessary endings…or we maintain a false hope, or we just are not able to do it. As a result, we stay stuck in what should now be in our past.
So, how do we alleviate the emotional turmoil that often proceeds making hard decisions or even worse, keeps us from making decisions at all?
- Recognize that agonizing over a decision is sometimes part of the decision making process. When we care about others and how a hard decision will affect them, feeling torn between the person and the decision is a natural. Leaders are not immune from feeling badly or guilty about making hard decisions, even when they know the hard decision is the right thing to do. According to Dr. Cloud, “Your sense of concern for the person must be integrated with the truth of what you need to say…therefore, we need to get in touch with both sides, your concern for the other person and for the truth.” Recognizing your concern will help you speak the truth in a way that is kind, and recognizing the truth will help give clarity to what you say.
- Resist the urge to put off making a hard decision for fear of the outcome. We often put off hard decisions because we hold on to the false hope that a person or a situation will change. However, the longer we wait to make a decision, the harder it becomes for everyone. Our lack of decision making keeps us tied up in emotional knots, and the possibility of forward progress, stalled. If we continue to wait to make a hard decision, then we will continue to get more of what we already have or worse.
- Rewrite the script that says, “If I were a good leader, I wouldn’t have to make hard decisions about people or situations.” The truth is that the best leaders make hard decisions, even when the immediate outcome may not be in their favor. However, they are willing to ride out the storm because they know the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term turmoil. As leaders, we have to “play the movie forward” (Cloud) and determine if the decision we are about to make will get us closer to the outcome we desire. If so, then we must lay aside the lie that good leaders never have problems, and rewrite the script to read, “Good leaders make hard decisions.” And sometimes, the obstacles we hit, are a good sign that we have done the right thing. (Cloud).
If we are going to lead where we are, then we must be willing to make hard decisions and rest in knowing that each decision gets us closer to the outcome we desire for ourselves and others.
What holds you back from making hard decisions? Are you holding out false hope that the person or situation will change? If you were to play the movie forward, what is the outcome if you don’t make the hard decision? If you do?
