Failure. Failure is a part of life. Feeling like a failure is a totally different story.
Failure is the culmination of a one time event. Feeling like a failure is a sustained sense of not being enough, not measuring up, or failing to meet expectations (either your own expectations or other’s expectations).
Failure is something that you can move past. Once it’s over, it’s done. Feeling like a failure can go on for years and overshadow the joy of living.
Failure is grounded in reality. You missed the mark. Didn’t hit the goal. Made the wrong decision.
Feeling like a failure is based on the perception of being a failure, and in this case, the failure is YOU.
Here’s my narrative when I feel like a failure (when in reality, I may not have even “failed” at anything):
- “I’m not making a difference.” (cue: feelings of hopelessness and the desire to run far, far away)
- “People probably think I’m ________________ (incapable, weak, not smart, etc.)” (cue: feelings of insecurity and wanting to prove myself to others)
- “I’m not good enough. Someone else could do ________________ better than me.” (cue: feelings of inadequacy as I compare myself to others and their performance).
Recently, I was visiting with friends and listening to them talk about the good things that were happening in their lives. One after the other, they shared their personal and professional celebrations. Although I was happy for them, the longer I sat there, the more I felt like a failure. I thought, “I’m not doing _____________” and “I should be doing more of _______________.”
When I left, I sat in car as the tears fell and the feelings of being a failure welled up inside.
Had an event occurred in which I had actually failed? No (although I fail all of the time!).
I let feeling like a failure suddenly translate into being a failure (and the perception that I was a failure at what felt like EVERYTHING IN LIFE). I was in such a state that I was even reliving my failures, such as the epic “mom fail” when I dropped off my kid at a practice that had been cancelled (unbeknownst to me!), and he had to sit there for an hour and wait for me to come back…and that happened 15 years ago! Needless to say, I was a hot mess in the parking lot that day.
The problem with this narrative is that feeling like a failure is rooted in the fear of not being good enough. And, since no one is perfect, there’s just enough truth to make it believable (and lead to a cry fest in a parking lot).
So, how do we change the narrative? Below are four ways to start moving forward and rebuilding our confidence.
- Refute the lie that experiencing a failure is the same as being a failure. Find your mantra. Fear doesn’t fold easily, so we have to anchor our identity in something bigger than ourselves (see the sermon by Louie Giglio below).
- Reach out to a friend. Someone who “knows you well and loves you anyway.” Be honest about your feelings and let them speak truth to you.
- Recount the ways that you have impacted lives…simply by being you. Feeling like a failure causes us to forget the good that happens in us, to us, through us, and around us.
- Reengage where you are. Instead of running from your purpose, your passion, your calling (or your job!) because you feel like a failure, proactively reengage with your assignment, even when it requires you to do hard things (Louie Giglio). As Dr. Sasha Shillcutt, author of Between Grit and Grace: The Art of Being Feminine and Formidable, writes, “Maybe something is facing you today, something hard. Something right, something difficult. You can do it. Go do the right, difficult thing.” You are where you are for a purpose. Get back in the game and “go do the right, difficult thing.”
As leaders, we have to discern the difference between failing and feeling like a failure.
Otherwise, we’ll be sitting in the parking lots crying and missing out on our callings to lead where we are.
What do you do when you feel like a failure? How do you reframe the narrative to move forward? Who speaks truth to you when you need perspective?
More resources to help change the narrative:
- Grace for Goal Setters: Four Steps to Take When Life Derails Your Plans by Holly Ray
- The Enneagram Type 3: The Successful Achiever (The Enneagram Collection) by Beth McCord
- Fear is on the Mic (a sermon by Louie Giglio at Passion City Church)
- Thrive Through The Five: Practical Truths to Powerfully Lead Through Challenging Times by Jill Siler
- “When You Fail: Get on the Bus” blog by Dr. Sasha Shillcutt
