Kindness. It goes a long way in our world today. Kindness with our words and with our actions has the power to soften hearts, temper emotions, and bring resolutions. Kindness is one of my most favorite words because kindness is the overflow of my all time favorite word: GRACE.
Why? Because as a receiver of grace, how could I NOT offer it to others? I have been shown so much kindness, grace, and mercy that I can’t help but want to respond to others the same way.
Unfortunately, however, some people mistake kindness for weakness. Those with emotional calluses on their hearts or negativity on their lips often view kindness as an opportunity to take advantage of the situations in which they are clearly in the wrong. Others simply have no boundaries and continue to see grace as a doormat on which to wipe their feet.
In the past, I’ve been guilty of “believing the best” about others and holding out the (false) hope that if I just offered others enough grace, they would have a change of heart. So, I just kept extending grace until I learned the hard lesson that some people do not respond to grace…AT ALL.
In one instance in particular, I was dealing with an adult bully. I kept thinking, “I don’t get it. I’m being kind and modeling kindness and still they continue to bully their peers with their sarcasm, backbiting, and shaming.” That’s when I realized that my kindness was being mistaken for weakness, and I had to take a different approach.
If we are going to lead where we are, then we must help others understand that our kindness does not equal weakness.
And we must clearly express that, both in words and in actions, to those who would attempt to continue to wipe their feet on the doormat of our grace.
In his book, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward, Dr. Henry Cloud helps us recognize when we need to stop allowing others to deplete our kindness (not that we are ever unkind in our words or actions) and start setting boundaries (or perhaps create necessary endings):
“If you are doing something that is using you or your resources in a way that is depleting you or damaging you, you can’t keep going. The reason? You are not just getting tired; you or your resource is getting depleted…it is what we see when people do not do the necessary endings that their hearts, minds, souls, bodies, and bank balances are telling them over and over that they need to do…ask yourself whether you are in the first, second or third trimester of when you are going to run out and be fully depleted. Let that be a guide to exactly how urgent urgent has to be.”
So, how do we let others know that they can no longer deplete our kindness and create what even might be a “necessary ending?” Below are some words to use to help others stop mistaking your kindness for weakness and bring clarity to the situation at hand:
- Not Adding Value. If someone is depleting your kindness and mistaking it for weakness, then the reality is that their behavior is not adding value to the relationship, the culture, the business, the family, etc. If he or she is not adding value, then it is time to clearly point out that the behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.
- Uncomfortable. “No man is an island” or so the saying goes. Like paint on a paintbrush, negative behavior splatters and affects others in the family, the workplace, or the relationship. Whether the relationship is between spouses, friends, or employees, negative behavior makes others feel uncomfortable. Gossiping, being rude, tearing others down, or being disrespectful makes others feel uncomfortable. If we are going to lead where we are, then we have to raise awareness that the behavior is not only unacceptable, but that it is also making others feel uncomfortable, unmotivated, and exhausted.
- Ending. Once the other person has been made aware of their unacceptable behavior and the lack of added value to the relationship or organization, action must be taken. As a leader, once you realize that kindness and grace have only been mistaken for weakness, it is time to (kindly) take action (in most cases, taking action doesn’t require heightened emotions or turning into someone you are not). But, taking action does require enacting an ending (and a necessary one at that!). Endings come in various forms…from letting someone go to calling it quits in a relationship.
The hope is always that when we offer grace, it will be received and behavior will change. However, when that does not occur and it appears that our kindness is being mistaken for weakness, we must speak and act with clarity. As Brene Brown says, “Clear is Kind. Unclear is Unkind.”
If we are going to lead where we are, then we have to get clear on what kindness really looks like…and it doesn’t equal weakness.
